Overly-Critical Parents: Signs, Symptoms, and Steps to Recover (Part 1)
James loved to draw. He had notebooks full of sketches he had created at school and during his free time at home. Sometimes James would get lost in his drawings as he invented new worlds and explored uncharted territories with a pencil and paper.
During a parent-teacher conference, James’ art teacher explained that she believed James had a gift and encouraged his parents to support his passion. However, James’ math teacher said that James seemed distracted during class and believed it was affecting his grades. When his parents returned home, they scolded James for spending so much time “doodling” in class. They never mentioned the feedback from his art teacher.
Do you see yourself in James? Did you experience parents who, like his, always seemed to focus on areas where you could do better or work harder rather than areas you excelled in or enjoyed? Do you feel like your anxiety or over-achieving tendencies are rooted in the unfair pressure your parents put on you from a young age?
10 SIGNS YOUR PARENTS WERE OVERLY-CRITICAL
Maybe you became so used to being criticized that you didn’t even recognize it as criticism, but simply the way things were. You may have even blamed yourself for never being good enough, when the truth is, your parents had unrealistic expectations of you.
All parents can be critical, it is the nature of being a parent to want your child to succeed in life. However, there is a big difference between constructive guidance and damaging criticism. Here are a few ways to determine if your parents were overly-critical.
1. THEY WERE DISMISSIVE
If your parents criticized you to the point that you were visibly hurt, they would dismiss your feelings or make you feel weak for showing emotion.
2. THEY NEVER HAD ANYTHING POSITIVE TO SAY
Your parents almost always focused on the negative and found it difficult to say anything positive or encouraging. You often felt like you were just waiting to “screw up” and be reprimanded for it.
3. THEY WERE CONTROLLING
Overly-critical parents don’t trust their children to make the right choices. Because of this, they felt the need to control every aspect of your life and your decisions.
4. THEY WERE PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE
Many critical parents never learned the tools for healthy communication. Therefore, they may have resorted to passive-aggressive behaviors when they were upset (i.e. the silent treatment, slamming doors, rolling their eyes, etc.)
5. THEY WERE EMOTIONALLY UNAVAILABLE
You rarely (if ever) experienced warmth or understanding from your parents. You never felt like you could confide in them with your fears or feelings because you were worried about how they would respond.
6. THEY WERE OVER INVOLVED
Every child wants (and needs) their parents to be involved in their life. But overly-critical parents feel the need to oversee or interject in all areas of their children’s lives because they think they know what is best for them.
7. THEY DIDN’T RESPECT BOUNDARIES
Hyper-critical parents don’t trust their children, which can lead to a lack of privacy and boundaries. They feel entitled to go through their children’s personal belongings or messages in an effort to control them.
8. YOU BLAME YOURSELF FOR THE BEHAVIOR OF OTHERS
Children of overly-critical parents tend to internalize their pain and blame themselves for everything. Due to your parents’ behavior, you may think that if someone is upset or unhappy with you, it must be your fault.
9. YOU HAVE A HABIT OF SELF-SABOTAGING
Feeling like nothing you ever do is good enough, can lead to extremely low self-esteem. People who were raised with highly critical parents often self-sabotage in the face of opportunity because they don’t believe they are worthy of success.
10. YOU STRUGGLE WITH PERFECTIONISM
Another symptom of being overly-criticized as a child is perfectionism. Perfectionism is the need to be (or appear) perfect and is often a result of being held to impossible standards as a child.
THE EFFECTS OF OVERLY-CRITICAL PARENTS
Our parents play an integral role in how we view ourselves, others, and the world around us. From the earliest stages of life, we take our cues from our parents and establish foundational beliefs that deeply influence our lives.
YOUR BELIEF ABOUT YOURSELF
As children and adolescents, we adopt a belief system about ourselves based on the messages we receive from our parents and others. From a young age, we determine whether we are introverted or extroverted, smart, brave, shy, timid, etc. These beliefs about ourselves, shape how we interact with others and the decisions we make.
YOUR BELIEF ABOUT OTHERS
We also establish a belief system about others during this critical time of development. Children who receive a lot of love and positive reinforcement tend to trust others and believe that people are inherently good, while those who are constantly criticized or emotionally abused, become fearful that people won’t like them or will hurt them.
YOUR BELIEF ABOUT THE WORLD
Our belief about the world is also impacted by the environment we grew up in. Children who grew up in a safe, nurturing environment often believe the same of the world around them. However, children who grew up in abusive or unpredictable environments may grow up believing that the world is against them.
Our beliefs about ourselves, others, and the world around us shape who we are and how we think. When you are made to feel like nothing you do is ever good enough, you begin to believe that you are never good enough. These beliefs can lead to even more destructive mental health issues like anxiety and depression down the road. The good news is, our future does not have to be dictated by our past. There are steps we can take to regain control of our lives, emotions, and behaviors.
*Stay Tuned for Part II*
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