Overly-Critical Parents: Signs, Symptoms, and Steps to Recover (Part 2)
In part I of this blog series, we explored how to identify overly-critical parents and the effects of growing up under their unfair standards and harsh criticisms. Many people with overly-critical parents deal with their triggering behavior well into adulthood and feel the need to live up to impossible standards and please not only their parents but everyone around them.
Critical and controlling parents might start by pressuring you to get straight A’s or be the best on the sports team, but as you get older and change, so does the focus of their criticism. From being over-involved in what college you attend and who you date, to how to raise your kids, they believe they know best. This constant undermining of your ability to make your own decisions can lead to continued feelings of low self-esteem, anger, anxiety, depression, and more.
THE EFFECTS OVERLY-CRITICAL PARENTS ON YOUR MENTAL HEALTH
In a recent study, researchers examined how a combination of biological, psychological, and social factors contribute to a person’s mental health. One of the observations of this research revealed that the most influential factor in a person’s resilience was their psychological processes. People who held on to anger and resentment toward themselves or their parents were the most likely to suffer from ongoing mental health issues.
HOW TO OVERCOME THE EFFECTS OF OVERLY-CRITICAL PARENTS
The good news is, it is possible to overcome the negative impact overly-critical parents have on your life. Just as negative behavior and unhealthy habits can be learned, they can also be unlearned.
Here are a few ways you can take control of your life back from your overly-critical parents and rebuild your belief system about yourself, others, and the world around you.
ACCEPT YOUR PARENTS
This one can be challenging for some people, but accepting your parents for who they are, and accepting the fact that you cannot change them, is the first step towards healing the many hurts that they’ve caused you.
CREATE HEALTHY BOUNDARIES
Although it may not feel like it, many overly-critical parents behave the way they do because they care and they think they know what’s best for you. One way to limit triggering comments and criticisms is by setting clear boundaries. For example, if your parents always offer unsolicited advice, you could remind them that if you want their advice you will ask for it.
CLEAR COMMUNICATION
This may be one of the simplest, yet often the most difficult things you can do. However, talking to your parents about how they’re affecting you is a great place to start the healing process. Even if they don’t listen, honest communication regarding how their actions hurt or offend you is a demonstration of your respect for yourself.
TRY TO EMPATHIZE
A little empathy can go a long way. Although it may seem like they have a heart of stone, your parents are probably doing the best they can. They may have had overly-critical parents or parents who were emotionally unavailable themselves, and don’t know how to do things differently.
FOCUS ON THE FACTS
When you are constantly criticized or held to impossible standards, you may start to believe that you are never good enough. This negative thought pattern can lead you down a path of self-hatred or depression. To overcome this way of thinking, try combating lies with truth. Make a list of areas you excel in or accomplishments you are proud of, and when you find yourself spiraling into negative self-talk, take that piece of paper out and read aloud all the true things about yourself.
SHOW (YOURSELF) SOME RESPECT
Most importantly, remember that you are worthy of respect and that you deserve to be treated in a way that lifts you up and doesn’t tear you down. You can respect yourself by practicing self-care and positive self-talk, but you can also respect yourself by ensuring that others show you the same level of respect that you show yourself and that anything less is unacceptable.
It isn’t easy to unlearn patterns and behaviors that have been set in place from the time you were a child, but it’s necessary if you want to find peace and healing from hurts in your past. Holding onto anger and resentment toward yourself or your parents will only lead to further damage and emotional turmoil.
However, changing the way you think takes time, and a whole lot of patience, and may even require the help of a professional or an unbiased third-party who can view your circumstances objectively and offer helpful advice and tools for moving forward.
To learn more about Brave Grand Rapids, or to speak with one of our licensed therapists, click the link below.
