Is your Attachment Style Helping or Hurting your Relationship?
There are hundreds of variables that affect the way that we behave and interact within an emotionally intimate relationship. However, one of the strongest influences may be a result of our very first relationship. We’re not talking about your middle-school boyfriend or girlfriend, we’re talking about the relationship between a child and their parent or caregiver.
Attachment Theory is the concept that our earliest relationship with our caregivers shapes how we connect with other people in our lives- namely, a partner or spouse. Knowing your attachment style can help you to understand your strengths and vulnerabilities when it comes to your romantic relationships.
The History of Attachment Theory
JOHN BOWLBY
The theory of attachment was first developed by British psychoanalyst John Bowlby. Through his research of childhood development in the late 60s, Bowlby concluded that a child’s ability to feel a sense of safety and security is directly linked to their ability to form an attachment with their caregiver in their first year of life.
He proposed that if this relational bond is missing, the child will experience anxiety and exert a great deal of developmental energy in search of stability and security. On the contrary, children who form this bond with their caregivers are more likely to feel safe to explore their environment and interact with others, which is necessary for ongoing development.
MARY AINSWORTH
Mary Ainsworth was an American-Canadian developmental psychologist and a student of Bowlby’s. She further developed the concept of attachment theory, by researching how each child’s attachment behavior differed when they were separated from their caregiver.
According to her research, there are three different types of attachment behavior: secure, anxious-avoidant and anxious-resistant. The secure relationship is formed when the child’s needs are being met by their caregiver, while the anxious-avoidant and anxious-resistant relationship are formed when a child’s needs are not met or are met but on an inconsistent basis.
HAZAN AND SHAVER
In the 1980s, Cindy Hazan and Phillip Shaver explored the correlation between attachment theory and adult romantic relationships. Through their studies, they explored how individuals in romantic relationships reacted in stressful situations and determined that the same attachment behavior responses that were discovered in the infant-caregiver relationship applied to adult romantic relationships as well.
What Attachment Style are you?
SECURE ATTACHMENT
Research says that somewhere around 56% of the population falls under the secure attachment style. These individuals are generally more satisfied in their romantic relationships. Like children, adults in a secure relationship, see their partner (or in the case of a child, their caregiver) as a secure foundation from which they can venture out and explore the world, or in other words, still be independent. In a relationship where both parties are secure, there will be a level of honesty, vulnerability, and trust.
IF YOU HAVE A SECURE ATTACHMENT STYLE YOU GENERALLY:
Are comfortable with intimacy, but don’t fear independence
Aren’t afraid of letting yourself get “too close” to someone
Have a history of stability in your past relationships
Feel safe being open, honest, and vulnerable with your partner
Don’t lose control of your emotions easily during a confrontation
ANXIOUS (PREOCCUPIED) ATTACHMENT
Those with anxious attachment styles are similar to secure attachment styles in that they enjoy intimacy and closeness. However, for individuals with anxious attachment, they are easily triggered if they are unsure of their partner’s feelings or motives. They look to their partners to fulfill or complete them and can often be labeled as insecure or desperate in their actions and behaviors.
For example, in an anxious relationship, if their partner is working late, they might think to themselves, “Why is he working late again? Is he being unfaithful? I knew this would happen.” Oftentimes with anxious attachment style, the go-to coping mechanism is to try to push your partner away, even though you look to them for security and safety.
IF YOU HAVE AN ANXIOUS ATTACHMENT STYLE YOU GENERALLY:
Tend to need a lot of reassurance in a relationship
Become overly dependent or “clingy” when you feel insecure in your relationship
When your partner is away, you feel heightened anxiety or question their commitment
Feel extremely overwhelmed or anxious in a confrontation or disagreement
AVOIDANT (DISMISSIVE/FEARFUL) ATTACHMENT
Avoidant attachment can be broken down into two subcategories: dismissive-avoidant and fearful-avoidant. In dismissive-avoidant attachment styles, people tend to value independence over intimacy. They often “pull-away” when things get challenging and are generally uncomfortable with both physical and emotional “closeness” in their relationships.
Someone who has a fearful-avoidant style, on the other hand, desires intimacy, but the fear of rejection gets in their way. Because of this internal push and pull, they may appear needy in some situations, and distant or avoidant in others.
IF YOU HAVE A DISMISSIVE-AVOIDANT ATTACHMENT STYLE YOU GENERALLY:
Feel the need to pull away when faced with intimacy
Try to avoid stressful situations or conflict
Often feel emotionally removed or unavailable to your partner
Over prioritize hobbies or work above your partner’s needs
Have a hard time trusting others
IF YOU HAVE A FEARFUL-AVOIDANT ATTACHMENT STYLE YOU GENERALLY:
Fear being too close and yet too distant from others
Are easily overwhelmed by your emotions
Experience many highs and lows in your relationships
Experience unpredictable mood swings
YOU’RE NOT DOOMED TO YOUR ATTACHMENT STYLE
Regardless of your attachment style, it is possible to achieve a healthy, secure attachment in your relationship. Just like any habit you wish to change, the first step is being aware of what it is that is creating undesirable results in your life.
If you find yourself spiraling out of control when you and your partner have a disagreement, or if you struggle with emotional intimacy and find yourself pushing away from your loved one, it is possible to change these behaviors through things like self-awareness, therapy, and surrounding yourself with emotionally healthy and secure people.
One of the best ways to grow into a more secure attachment style is to choose a partner who already has one. Partners with secure attachment styles will challenge you in good ways. They will give you space when you need it, but press in when necessary. They will create a safe space for constructive dialog and help you in your journey toward becoming the best version of yourself.
To learn more about your attachment style or how you can begin the journey toward a secure attachment, speak with one of our licensed counselors who are ready help!
