How to Turn Conflict into Opportunity
One thing you can count on in every romantic relationship is the reality that you will face conflict. You are different people, with different thoughts and different ways of viewing the world around you, and at some point, those perspectives are going to clash. However, conflict isn’t always a bad thing. If handled properly, conflict can be a good thing. When you engage in healthy conflict and use appropriate communication tools, you can grow closer through the process by understanding each other’s needs, beliefs, and fears on a deeper level.
Some people try to “run away” from conflict and avoid it at all costs to try to keep the peace in the relationship. Unfortunately, avoiding conflict never eliminates it, it only delays it. Here are a few tips to help you engage in conflict in a healthy manner and come out stronger on the other side.
DON’T PLAY GAMES
Sometimes, in an effort to avoid conflict, individuals use other coping mechanisms to deal with their frustration. This might be sarcasm or trying to force your partner to “figure out” what’s wrong through a series of vague clues or by serving up the silent treatment.
All of these strategies end in further frustration for the other partner because they are left feeling confused or frustrated before you even begin discussing what has been bothering you. Instead of playing games, be direct and tell your partner exactly how a certain comment or action made you feel.
DON’T BLAME OR SHAME
Another destructive behavior, is blaming or shaming your partner. When a person feels hurt or attacked, a common response is to belittle or blame their partner in an effort to protect themselves.
If you know that your partner’s greatest fear is becoming like their dad, and you use phrases like “you are acting just like your father,” it’s not only unhelpful, but can be extremely destructive to the relationship. Also, blaming your partner for your frustration or anger is equally ineffective. Blame does nothing but build walls of defense around the person being accused.
AVOID WORDS LIKE “NEVER” AND “ALWAYS”
It can be easy to throw around words like “never” and “always” when you are in the heat of the moment. Phrases like “you never do the dishes” or “you’re always late” are generalizations that are often untrue and can end up pushing your partner further away.
Instead of using “you” statements, try using “I feel” statements. For example, instead of saying “you never do the dishes” try saying, “I feel like I am carrying the majority of the household responsibilities and I could use your support.” This beings the conversation with how you feel, rather than your partner's shortcomings.
STICK TO THE TOPIC ON HAND
All too often a confrontation about one thing leads to bringing up multiple hurts or offenses. Unfortunately, this puts the person being confronted on the defensive, and derails the original intent of the confrontation. While there may be truth in some of those issues, it does nothing to help reach a solution to the issue at hand.
LISTEN
Sometimes the hardest thing to do during confrontation is to simply listen, without an agenda or trying to come up with what you are going to say next. When your partner is explaining how they feel, listen from a place of trying to understand rather than be understood. Why do they feel that way? What might help them feel more loved or heard? All too often we are so concerned with defending or justifying ourselves, that we miss out on the opportunity to help our partners feel valued and respected.
KNOW YOUR GOAL
A good practice for healthy communication and constructive conflict is to have a common goal. The goal of any conflict should be to come to a solution or a greater understanding of your partner, not to defend yourself or “win” the argument. If you both agree that the goal is to strengthen your connection, it can change the whole dynamic of the conversation.
CHANGE YOUR MINDSET
One way to establish healthy conflict management is to change your perception of conflict itself. We often think of conflict as a negative thing, something we have to shield or protect ourselves from. However, conflict is also an opportunity for growth.
If handled appropriately, conflict can help you know and understand your partner on a deeper level, and not only that, but it can help you better understand yourself. Through opening up to your partner during a conflict you are demonstrating vulnerability and trust in that person, and vice versa, helping establish stronger connection and intimacy.
FOCUS ON THE POSITIVE
Everyone has little pet peeves or things that drive them crazy about their partner. However, those same partners also have a lot of amazing qualities and traits, or you probably wouldn’t be with them. When you are in the midst of confrontation, it is easy to focus all of your energy on the negative, but try shifting your mindset to the things you love about your partner.
This allows you to see them for who they are and what they can offer, verses where they fall short. It can also help to lessen your anger and frustration to remember that you actually like the person you are arguing or disagreeing with.
PAY ATTENTION TO UNHEALTHY PATTERNS
Conflict can make us feel threatened. When we feel that sense of fear that we are under attack, we can revert to bad habits or unproductive coping mechanisms to try to protect ourselves. This can be anything from the silent treatment to quickly escalating to anger or yelling.
These habits were probably picked up throughout your life in an attempt to “control” situations that felt out of control. However, by trying to control the situation, you are actually doing the exact opposite and causing further damage to the relationship.
PRACTICE FORGIVENESS
One of the best things we can do for our relationships, especially during times of conflict, is to practice forgiveness. This does not mean that you allow your partner (or anyone) to do or say whatever they want, especially if it is hurtful or harmful. However, when your partner do something to offend you, being willing to forgive them demonstrates that you love them despite their flaws.
Nobody is perfect, and even in a healthy, happy relationship, partners will let each other down and say things they don’t mean. But if both parties can agree to love each other through the ups and downs, it will help you establish a strong, trusting relationship, in which you know that even when you mess up, that person is going to stand by your side and help you to become the best version of yourself.
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