Perfectionism: It’s Dangers and how to Overcome it
Have you ever sat staring at your computer screen for hours, knowing that you have to start that paper, write that email, or finish that resume, but the idea of getting started overwhelms you to the point where you feel paralyzed?
Do you set unrealistically high expectations for yourself and feel disappointed when you fall short of your goals?
Or maybe you find yourself constantly comparing yourself to others, feeling like you will never be as smart, as funny, or as successful as they are. All of these things are signs of a bigger underlying issue, perfectionism.
WHAT IS PERFECTIONISM?
Perfectionism is the inherent need to be (or appear) perfect. It’s the scale by which you measure your value based on your accomplishments or abilities. And while the act of setting high goals for yourself isn’t a bad thing, perfectionism is an unattainable goal, deeply rooted in the fear of failure or rejection, and can lead to unhealthy behaviors and even negative effects on your mental health.
Research professor and author, Brene Brown, puts it this way...
“Perfectionism is not the same thing as striving to be your best. Perfectionism is the belief that if we live perfect, look perfect, and act perfect, we can minimize or avoid the pain of blame, judgment, and shame. It’s a shield. It’s a twenty-ton shield that we lug around thinking it will protect us when, in fact, it’s the thing that’s really preventing us from flight.”
WHAT CAUSES PERFECTIONISM?
There is no easy way to pinpoint exactly where someone’s perfectionist tendencies stem from, however, it is often driven by the desire to be accepted- whether that is self-acceptance or acceptance from others.
In the past 30 years, there has been a dramatic increase in perfectionism in young people due to increasing pressures socially, academically, and professionally. Social media may play a big role in this rise, as individuals who have grown up around technology are constantly bombarded with images and lifestyles that are carefully curated to appear perfect, leading to harmful comparisons and unachievable expectations.
In addition to social media, there are many other contributing factors that can lead to perfectionism including:
Fear of rejection or disapproval from others.
A mental health disorder such as anxiety or obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD)
A parent or guardian who models perfectionism by putting unrealistic expectations on themselves or on their children.
An unhealthy or insecure attachment with a parent or caregiver from a young age.
Actual or perceived childhood trauma, such as divorce, neglect, or abuse
THE 3 FLAVORS OF PERFECTIONISM
According to Gordon Flett and Paul Hewitt, two experts in the area of psychology, perfectionism manifests in three different forms: self-oriented perfectionism, other-oriented perfectionism, and socially prescribed perfectionism.
Self-oriented perfectionism is when you place unrealistic expectations on yourself to be perfect.
Other-oriented perfectionism is when you place unrealistic expectations on others to be perfect.
Socially prescribed perfectionism is the belief that other people expect you to be perfect.
While each of these forms of perfectionism can be detrimental, socially prescribed perfectionism is thought to be the most debilitating of the three.
According to a recent study, people with socially prescribed perfectionism “believe their social context is excessively demanding, that others judge them harshly, and that they must display perfection to secure approval.”
This kind of pressure can cause extreme insecurities and can lead to mental health challenges including anxiety, depression, and even suicidal tendencies
SYMPTOMS OF PERFECTIONISM
Everyone has perfectionist tendencies to some degree, however, the idea of achieving perfection is an illusion, and if taken too far, can cause unhealthy outcomes or behaviors that can lead to or worsen existing mental health conditions.
Symptoms of perfectionism include (but are not limited to):
Procrastination
Avoiding challenging situations
Toxic comparisons
Anxiety or depression
Eating disorders
Health challenges
An obsession with achievement
In addition to mental health challenges, perfectionism can also lead to chronic stress which can take a toll on one’s physical health. A recent study suggests a strong connection between perfectionists and high blood pressure.
OVERCOMING PERFECTIONISM
As a perfectionist, it can be challenging to admit that you are struggling or need help in a certain area of your life. By nature, you have learned to hide your problems in an attempt to appear as though you “have it all together,” but it is important to remember that no one is perfect, and no one has it all together. Everyone has weaknesses and challenges - and that’s what makes us human.
In order to overcome perfectionism, you must first be willing to admit that it’s a problem. Only then can you take the necessary steps toward changing your mindset.
Here are a few ways to help lessen the grip of perfectionism on your life:
Create more realistic and attainable goals
Focus on one task at a time
Challenge negative self-talk and practice speaking kindly to (and of) yourself
Make time for self-care
Learn how and when to say no
Try to see your mistakes as opportunities to learn and grow
If you find that your need to be or appear perfect is interfering with your daily life and happiness, you may also want to consider speaking with a therapist. Therapy can help reshape the way to view success and give you the tools to become more confident in who you are, and less dependent on the acceptance of others.
To learn more about Brave Grand Rapids, or to speak with one of our licensed therapists, click the link below.
